Knowing a client will die soon

I started out working with homeless people in 1994. Since then, sadly, I've got to a place where I anticipate the death of certain clients. A number of them die. But so many of them live beyond my expectations. I am surprised to hear from them when I do... that they are still alive and not surprised to hear when people die.

Many of the people I work with I've known for up to a decade. I've been by their side through good times and bad. I've formed friendships with them, I've held them in my arms when they cry and stood along side them when they need protection or someone to be strong for them. I've also been very disappointed in them when they have let themselves down, but stuck by their side regardless.

I am not the only person / service provider who has done this.

I'm really bad at predicting who is next, but have a great concern for those I know are close.

The reason why I post this is that I anticipate a few people dieing that I know I will really suffer personally as a result of their death. Basically because I care for them so much.

I have my own coping mechanisms in place for such an occasion, I've prepared myself... but it's never enough.

I don't know what I'm asking for - advice, support, shared experience?

Either way this thread is open to everyone on the topic of knowing a client will die soon...

When clients die my main feeling is anger.

Hey Dominic,

Well how do you prepare for any death of someone who you care about - is there such a thing???

My sister in law died on March 11th 2007 and had fought cancer for 6 years but it wasnt any easier and i am still not over it and am still grieving for her and probably will be for a long time to come she was my age which sux as well as too young.

Anyway regarding clients after working in drug and alcohol rehab i have known several clients who have died from accidental overdose and it gives me the worst feeling in the world to know that it could of been prevented - and you know the should ofs, could ofs etc - could i have done more and just say i did it this way - you know is there more i could of done for this person.

I have a big heart and more often than not get quite attached to the clients - i have shed a thousand tears when i worked in the rehab and although i have moved on from there - i miss it so much working there and building a rapport with my clients. Although i am learning to care and have that wall although i find it really hard - i have cried with clients many a time and at times share a part of my life with them.

I think you work a lot more directly with clients that i ever have - at the rehab clients come in for maximum 5 weeks and well thats all it takes for me to get attached :D and now i have clients on a daily basis for maximum hour appts - not saying i dont have that attachment but i would imagine that they would become like family to you.

I dont have the answers but i know that we cant stop caring and need to feel their pain at times to understand and its ok to hurt when they die and at least they are not alone and i also try to remember there is nothing more i could of done to "save" them my job is to educate and advise and i do this, but hey sometimes its not enough .

I have an alcoholic client now who has been told if he does not stop drinking he is going to die!!! and i am doing my damnest to help him - but it has to be his choice to stop drinking - but i will never give up on him.

OH well i think i have tended to go off the topic and rave a tad - there is no easy answer unfortunately.

take care

a personal question Dominic that i understand if you dont want to share - do you go to counselling yourself???

I know a lot of counsellors who have supervision or get counselling - i am one of those and would be fucked without it - i am pretty soft and some of the stories of peoples lives i need to be able to vent and talk about it.

just asking as this may help - what would you say to a client who asked the same questions - although if you are anything like me you dont always practice what you preach!!!

When clients die my main feeling is anger.Admitting your angry is pretty honest, Dominic. Felt that way; as well as tons of other emotions; when peers died while my family was homeless.

Take some time and consider why you're angry...at what...or why...or with whom. It doesn't take away the initial loss of someone you care about, but it's something you can deal with...because you're expressing it emotionally to begin with.

I'm not a counselor, not expecting you to answer that question to me or anyone else, just that it's something I had to face as well in other areas of my life that were hurdles to get over...because I started to ask myself why I got angry sometimes.

Best,
John

Remember the stages of grief, and accept them.

Beyond that, it is very hard to deal with the death or impending death of someone that you are helping. You just have to try to not let it get you so down that you cannot perform your job.

That's really horrible. I'd never considered that side of working with homeless people. I hope your friends are still alive and ok.

maybe you are asking for recognition and even more bumlicks. "oh boohoo, some of my clients die! Love me more!" "I am a white middle -class catholic kiddie, and these deaths are tearing me apart!"

get real mate, you are not fooling anyone.

I don't believe that there is any preparation you can realistically make for the death of someone you care about. The whole idea of being prepared seems to me to be a fallacy. When my parents died, I believed I was totally prepared; they were old, they had had a long marriage, many children, grandchildren, and a few great-grandchildren. Their lives had been rich and varied, they were good people. I knew, because they were so old, that they must go soon. I knew that I would be very sad when they died, but I was completely at peace with their going - until it happened!

The extent of my grief and devastation took me by surprise. I was shattered - all the 'stages of grief' manifested themselves as powerfully as they would have if the loss had come as a surprise. So Dominic, I think the grief and anger you feel for these young people, whose lives might, in other circumstances, have held so much more, been so much longer, is absolutely as it has to be. The pain it brings to you personally is a part of what you do, probably the hardest part of all.

I don't really know what I'm trying to offer here - comfort? Understanding? The shared experience you mentioned? It's different when a death is unexpected - shocking - like being hit in the face with something - but an expected death is just as raw, just as painful. You've chosen a difficult path in life, and the pain of the inevitable losses is a part of that - I'm glad you can at least unload a little bit of what you feel about it, here on the forums.

you could well expect 5-10% to die any year...this is a fact of life...people also die when they go to hospital...habits of homeless people are dangerous.

Another one of my friends died in the past few months. I'm still digesting it and grieving myself. It was a big one as he was one of the street elders that I had known for well over a decade and was very close to.

I guess I'll work out how to tell his story and who to tell it to when... and what I will share in the forums.

I've got in touch with everyone from coast to coast who would know him on the streets and passed the word on that he died.

Anyway, I will tell his story and record his life when I'm ready, but for now I'm going to do my own grieving.

I think you are meaning with your post for people to share their experiences and coping mechanisms, as well as perhaps similar experiences to your own.

It is hard when an event occurs in someones life, and people deal with things differently, some people let things slide right off their back, and others really get hit hard emotionally by things.

I have tired to help people along the way, and when they have let me down i have been also dissapointed with them, but still stood by them.

But given time, i have my music to help me as my mechanism and also releasing my emotions through my emotions, as well as speaking to people about things.
And i mean speaking to the right people - not people who are just negative with everything they say and do.

I havent tried counselling and dont know if i would, the main thing i find is best is taking time out for myself to do what i love to do.