cravings

sorry, i don't knnow if im putting this in the right place but it doesnt seem to fit anywhere else.

ive been drug free for over 4 yrs apart from the occasional use (and i mean occasional - 2 or 3 times a yr a joint or half an e)

the problem is right now my cravings are really bad, not for either of those 2 things but for crack whcih obviously could have serious fucking consequences if i slipped up

ive come so close as to go back out on the beat (where all the girls work here) and speak to a few of them, some of them know my old friends, things have changed a lot (its been over 4 yrs) but some things are the same, only ran into one person i knew tho and he looked at me like he wanted to kill me (i think there is a reason he thinks that but he is wrong) so i got out of there

my best friend from then, i didnt know if she was dead or alive until recently, it was only when i went and spoke to some people i found out she was ok -at least i think ok) - id been too scaredto go back for these 4 yrs

i dont understand why its all changed, why i feel like this now, ive been fine for ages... all my dreams are about it again

i know if i slip up even ONCE then thats probably it, ill have crossed the line again, so the only way to avoid it is not doing it, at all.. but part of me thinks i could just share 10 quids worth
part of me knows this is totally stupid because id want to do it again
logically its something i shoudlnt even be considering

the problem is i hate my life... my job is data entry and frontline customer service and i get shouted at all day, i know im lucky to have a job and for me having a job, any job, is better than no job and too much time on my hands but all we get is complaints and people kicking off at me. this week i burst into tears in the office after someone had a go at me... it was more the way he looked at me and spoke to me but i just feel like im not dealign with it well
where i live right now, its her home and not mine, i dont belong
i lost my dreams of running when i started doing drugs and have never been able to get that back
i just dont enjoy anything properly

i know this isnt the answer and the answer is to take positive steps to sort things out in my life and be happy,but i feel ive been trying to do that since i was 13 now and it has never happened
part of me thinks i should just move abroad and do bar work or something like that, have a total change of scene
its all so confusing to think about and i just feel like i try and try and try and maybe some things change but on the inside i feel the same
i just want to sort things out and i cant seem to accomplish that

i may come bk later and edit all this out

I have never done drugs so I don't know how hard it must of been to stop... but I give you props for stopping as much as you have. But, I do know alot about alcholism because most of my family is. And there are two types of recovering alchols dry and sober, a dry drunk is htey aren't drinking but they are still in the same enviroment, like the same friends that drink the same places where they use to drink. And sober is they have gotten out of thet situation. So maby if you still want to be in contact with your friends invite them somewhere new, like your turf, maby that will help not want to slip up??? I really hope this helps.....

You've done a brilliant job of sorting your life out, and staying sorted for an extended period. If you can do it for this long, you can do it forever. But you know and I know that the friends you had when you were doing drugs are more dangerous to you than any monster could ever be. I'd like to say something positive about them, because I know my words will be hurting your loving heart, but that's the way it is - stay away from them. Unless they've genuinely kicked the drugs, long-term - they're not your friends.

The thing about drugs is, whether you just smoked dope or whether you got into the hard stuff, or any of the cheap variations, is that there has to have been a reason in your life why the drugs made it easier. Only, in the end they make it harder. If you slip just a little bit now, you know what will happen.

So...is there any way you can see of getting to the why - the reasons why a thirteen year old goes off the rails? Typically, it's caused by the influence of other people in your life, and equally typically, the victim gets the blame - nobody sees what caused your problems, they just see that you're not living as other people would like you to. Be careful that you don't take this attitude on yourself. Because if we have problems, bad experiences or whatever, back in our early lives that cause us to be vulnerable to going off the rails, invariably by the time we're about thirteen, we get to thinking that we're not really very good people. Then every negative thing anybody says to us or about us gets piled on top of that as another bit of self-blame. Remember too, that if someone else is the cause of your low self-image, they will work hard to ensure that you continue to blame yourself, not them.

From personal experience, I can tell you that you can put your problems aside and throw yourself into doing what other people perceive as the 'right thing', but unless you can address the underlying problems, they will never go away. So the impulse to break out and do stupid, self-destructive things comes back periodically - even if you don't act on it, it messes with your head and makes you less effective in whatever you're doing.

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn here, but you sound like you've been victimised a lot, and you sound like you've taken that on. By that I mean, inside yourself, you're in victim mode. This can be a great defence at some times, but not at work. Other people perceive this, and many people act on it by victimising, because it gives them power. They may well have as many problems as you do, but they're handling it differently. Victimising others is, for some people, as good as drugs for blotting out their personal reality. You might want to look at this, if you think it fits, and maybe see if you can find ways of being assertive in a positive way. That's a hard one, but when you get some positive assertiveness happening, it changes other people's actions towards you a lot - maybe that would help at work. Being the office victim is the pits.

Getting youself out of where you were when you were on drugs is a long haul, and it doesn't end with just stopping using them. I feel a bit unqualified to speak about this, because I've never used hard drugs, so never had to deal with a physical habit, but the urge to reach for something to blot out the bad stuff is common to humans generally - how many people who would swear they have never, and would never use drugs reach for an alcoholic drink when things go wrong for them? That's fine if you're not a recovering alcoholic. The urge to use whatever drugs you know about isn't about to go away when you're feeling negative - but in your case it's a big deal, because of where it will lead if you give in to it.

Hang in there - I don't know whether anything I've said here is going to be any help to you, but come back and talk some more, or come back and run your feelings past me if you don't like what I've said about anything. Only please don't slip up now - you've come so far.

Hello Goldfish,

Well first of all i have worked with addicts for many years and congratulations on first of all being clean for as long as u have and secondly for not at this stage giving into your cravings.

Cravings are a normal part of any addicts life - and u r smart enuff to know that that 10 quids worth will be the beginning of a life of misery where u came from - which u are smart enuff to know anyway.

Secondly - dreaming of using is suppose to be ur subconscious (spelt wrong i know) getting rid of using - at least using in ur dreams is ok - using in real life isnt - although u r an adult and like i teach my children and also tell my clients we are all accontable for our actions.

Also u hate ur life, job etc etc - i am not a GP or pysch but have u been diagnosed with depression - i dont think it would hurt for u to get an assessment done.

U have the answers my dear and u r an intelligent person - i can tell by ur post u wont use - u want to but that is because ur down at the moment so if u can lift ur mood i am thinking those cravings will go.

I know with myself sumtimes i remember and i be grateful for what i have not wat i dont have if that makes sense

and one last thing wen ur down if need me PM me n vent all u like - even if its abuse

ok u take care and good luck x

The most important thing goldfish is accurate self assessment. Second most important thing is getting a shrink to do an assessment also. Once you have the two together you know what needs doing and exactly what the hard parts will be and why you will defeat the hard parts. Long story short - consult a shrink and be true to your accurate self in all your deeds... if you know yourself enough to know what needs doing without a shrink then there it is right in front of you. Do it. I'd recommend the shrink though, they tend to be pretty good at working out if you need other supports and things you would never have known that needs getting out of your way.

In terms of the drug stuff... we both know as soon as you use your efforts in quitting get cut down to nothing and you start again - it gets a hold again. Even if you use only once - you set yourself back to the day you first gave up and have to go through all that crap again.

It's a launch pad waiting for you to step on to it.

Rose has given some excellent advice, please review it. If you don't know what that launch pad is like if you step back on it I'm sure you will find out. I hope you don't. The rocket doesn't reach the moon.

Hi goldfish,
I've read alot of your other posts, I think I understand where you're coming from about your life. And I know what you mean bout the job, I'm in customer service, frontline cancellations. Fun fun fun ;). Sounds like you've hit a rough patch at the moment, 4 yrs is a hell of a long time to stay clean, really. You must seriously be an amazing person, I really respect stayin clean more than alot of other things, I won't say I know how hard it is for you (everybody's journey is different) but I've done my share of detox. And I did it three times, kept lapsing and relapsing. Maybe a change would be good, would you like to find another job, or something? I think it would be wise to consult a health professional if you wanted, as drugs can just ruin your life, obviously you know that, and it's just so hard to fight cravings, you need help. Even if you are incredible enough to stay clean so long. I could never have give up drugs I used to use without support, I wouldn't think of doing it. Now if I want to nip things in the butt a bit I go to an NA meeting, or go see my drug counsellor for a few sessions, cos I know that works for me mostly. Hope you're ok :)

Sk8r girl.

thanks for all the replies, im shocked so many ppl have replied.

about my old friends, i think i know, deep down, that i shouldnt even consider getting bk in contact but i miss one of them so much, she was one of the closest friends ive ever had, and she never did anything bad to me, even tho the rest of the crowd (including myself) did some pretty shitty things to each other. i wrote her a letter the other nite (i still have it) and according to someone i spoke to when i went bk there (i live in a totally different city now but its close) shes still at the same address. the thing i feel bad about is when i got out all of that and got help i just disappeared, & i dont know if they knew what happened to me, i was heavily using h & crack @ the time and i dont know what they thought mustve happened, although i wonder if my friend guessed, cos she always said one day id get out & she wouldnt,but then for all i know she could be clean now. i just miss her.

maybe the best i can hope for is to let her know im ok and find out if shes ok and give up on all thoughts of us ever having contact. it may be its too risky for both of us

its stupid because i know one use would be suicidal and i know what it would roll back into - it could never be one then walk away, & thats why i dont understand why i obsess about that so much

the thing is (& i think this is some of what Rose is saying) that i sorted things out on the surface but i guess i didnt really sort things out truly if that makes sense

urgh... what a mess

hey goldfish,

ur a smart woman and hey ur doing well and congratulations for not picking u - i didnt think u would and i dont think u will - ur a tough lady - and remember how far you have come from those dark days of using.

i am sure ur finest using day isnt as bad as ur lowest strait day - if u get the jist of wat i mean there.

Regarding your friend i am thinking you need to contact her to be at peace with yourself - maybe send the letter u have written and organise to meet her - maybe set sum boundaries with her - letting her know u r clean and would like to see her on the proviso that she doesnt offer u drugs etc etc - just respect really. Just a suggestion for you.

maybe once u see ur friend u can move on a bit - take than next step forward.

So u going to get an assessment done from ur GP????? I am not pressuring you please dont think that - and honestly its none of my business anyway.

hope ur well

PP

hi,
im scared to meet her incase things go to shit again. its risky & i know its risky but like u say it may b something i need to do in order to lay things @ rst a bit & i really want 2c if shes ok

i dont know about going bk to see a professional but ill have a think about it

thx for theadvice

I absolutely can't agree with Purpleprincess on this one, because I think your fear of meeting your friend is well-founded. Nevertheless, I can imagine how it's tearing you up, because it's incredibly difficult to come to terms with leaving somebody behind you, especially when you know she's more than likely still in a bad place.

I think the question you have to ask yourself, and answer absolutely honestly is: can you go back and meet an old friend from those times with the certainty that you won't be drawn back there by the experience? Especially now, when the feelings that got you in that place are coming back to haunt you? Could I suggest putting it on hold for the moment, until you've pulled through this particular crisis, and maybe re-visit the idea when you feel a bit more stable within yourself?

You're going to need that basis of inner strength in order to face the old spaces; and once you've found that, you'll be better placed to help your friend. If she can see that it's possible, she might follow your lead (if she hasn't already).

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out well for you; please stick around and let us know how you're getting on. You've got what it takes to get where you want to be, otherwise you'd never have got where you are now. Hang in there, you'll work this out. http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/images/graphics_grabbag/smallheart.gif

Hey Goldfish,

regarding the professional - all in your own time, you are obvsiously down in the dumps at the moment and we all get like that - so u are more vulnerable to lifes problems and ur emotions tend to be magnified when u r down.

I am hoping things are starting to look up for u.

I understand that yes it is very risky to go back and meet your friend - but maybe if u even send the letter that u wrote to her - that mite even make u feel a bit better. Im just thinking that u wont be able to move completely forward until u know how this friend is doing - in saying that tho are you prepared for the worst : that she is doing shit, that she wants to rope u into your own lifestyle etc etc etc.

anyway u will come to ur own decision and only u know wats rite for u.

take care

hi,
im feeling better than when i first posted about this...
im getting out of here for a few days & visiting a friend (someone whos safe and doesnt do drugs)
about meeting my friend, i agree its not a good time to do it when im tempted. i dont know if the 2 things were linked. i miss her a lot tho & will sort something out but only after more thought.

hope u all have a good week.

Hey Goldfish,

Glad your feeling better - tomorow is a new day hey :-)

glad you getting away with a "safe" person hope u enjoyed it and recharged your batteries

you take care of yourself

Getting away for a few days sounds like a really positive step - and taking your time about deciding what to do about your old friend is too - you clearly know where your head is at in relation to the old spaces, and the strength you've already shown in getting from where you were to where you are is inspiring. I can't express my admiration for people who've been able to make the journey from drug addiction to work and a 'normal' life, there just aren't any words to cover the strength they have. You'll get through this time, and life will get better again; and I would really love to hear how things are going for you as time goes by.

Stay safe - get out there with your friend and have fun. :cool: :D

Hi Goldfish,

all good advice here is my 2c worth
Im on MMT program, so i know where your kinda coming from, firstly they say change playmate's playthings environment's u did well in doing so, you work etc etc...I think you need to go to a meeting or support group atm instead of contacting this person, its to dangerous for you! I feel its a small relapse waiting to happen you need to not think about them at all, theyre in active addiction you are not!!!!!!!. You cannot help them, if you where both using do you really truely feel you were great friends or more using friends?? etc... evaluate this carefully ok.... youve come to far , and well i think meeting clean ppl is far more healthy for you, not being judgmental here , but when your using you have a different mind set, and i think its treading in fire, sad as it is you may not be able to be friends untill he/she has some clean time up... skeet

what can i say. my head has been all over the place recently.

skeet, i hope your mmt prog is going well. i was on methadone, cut down 50ml to 0ml fairly quickly (feb - august) but the secret was with me to cut down by 1ml at a time. u wont find many drs who are willing to do this tho (if any - i was lucky). its MUCH less harsh than a 5ml drop and u can cut down at the same speed but its just a ml a time (& more often). it gave me a sense of achievement too each time i dropped. getting someone to change the script that often or trust u with any amount of methadone more than 1 days worth is rare tho.

about the past wk, im ill, spent a lot of time outside recently and its getting cold here so dont know if thats why but im hoping its something thatll clear up quickly.

i think the problem, like someone esle said is depression - i try and try and try to be positive but i basically hate my life. thats NOT to say it isnt a hell of a lot better than how it was but say take the past wk, i wish i could click my fingers and not hav lived it bc so little of it was positive, and thats a shitty way to think cos i should be grateful for my life

abuot visitng my friend, it all went a bit wrong as one night we got totally pissed up, had a major argument and i ran off, unfortunately where she lives is a bad area and within about 5 minutes of sitting down i had men approaching me so i moved on but it didnt help with the fact i was feeling totally pissed off and wanted to use. anyway we patched things up before i left but that night was a nightmare as i couldnt get back to where i live cos it was so late.

hope i havent bored anyone to tears with this. it feels weird (and selfish) talking so much about me but hopefully its a positve thing

?

this is just an update.

I'm more positive now about the way in which i need to go. i want a better life, and to get a better life does not involve drugs.

i wont be around online. for one reason or another it has been triggering some of my cravings.

im just posting this so no one wonders where i went. tom, especially, was very supportive of me. so please dont worry. im going to get a different job, and work towards enjoying my life.

take care everyone and i hope everyones dreams come true

laura xx

Good luck Laura,

Sometimes it's good to vent in an enviroment where people can understand what you are saying. I personally think that these forums are unique for that because you can communicate with people on the same wavelenght.

Go ahead and enjoy your life, should you encounter someone on your travels that is in need of friendship and understanding point them this way will you ?

Best wishes ... :) ...